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20 July 2004 @ 07:56 pm
Man without a plan  
Handed in applications to Whole Foods and Cody's Books today. I was holding back tears, and I have no idea why. Why does filling out applications scare me so much? I have to ask for advice on nearly any question. It's like I can't make my own decisions anymore.

I'm starting to think I should follow _gerald's lead and see a shrink. Whenever he writes about the stuff he's talked with his psychiatrist about, a lot of it seems really familiar. haibanerakka's recent post also struck some chords. And an article in the latest New York Times Magazine on adult ADD seemed to describe a bunch of people whose lives are messes in the same way as mine.

I know when I'm slacking off but I just don't feel able to get back on track—at my last job I kept coming to work later and later, and on a couple of occasions I made a conscious effort to Make It On Time From Now On, but the resolve never lasted much more than a week. I'm easily distracted, and when I have to concentrate on a specific task for a long period of time I feel like there's a pressure building up inside my head that can only be relieved if I go do something else.
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Gerald: Kirk_gerald on July 21st, 2004 10:59 pm (UTC)
I had a long talk with the person I'm seeing today on lack of motiviation and self-frustration about not doing what I need to. She asked me if I would feel the same if I was in a coma. I said no.

She replied that depression is like that, but that there's still cognition we don't accept that there's anything we can't control. It's like a brown-out: power is still there, but you can't do anything.

That's where seeking help comes in. It's getting the power back on.
gwalla: magmagwalla on July 22nd, 2004 01:50 am (UTC)
I see what you're saying.

I'm worried that I may be thinking of seeing a psychiatrist as a sort of quick fix, like once I see them I'll be able to put my life back together and everything will be cool from then on—I'll be able to find a job and do it well without flaking, be where I need to be on time, etc. I know it's not like that, but that seems to be how my brain is treating it. It's frustrating thinking along certain lines, and knowing it's not the way you should be thinking, but not being able to correct it yourself.

On the plus side, I think I finally understand what that Blind Melon song "No Rain" is about. It's about this.